


please don't say you love me.

by junfhongs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, canon compliant (circa 2013)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2018-07-18 08:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7306708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junfhongs/pseuds/junfhongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>canon!verse. responsibility demands sacrifice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	please don't say you love me.

_2008;_

  
  


“Let’s call it a day. Everyone get some rest so that we can practice longer tomorrow, okay?”  
  
Their instructor walks out of the practice room and they all collapse on the spot. Chanyeol, Minseok and a few more trainees are the first ones to give up and leave the room. Jongin and Sehun are both still practicing without the music until Sehun finally decides to leave and Jongin follows him, sparing a glance at the room for the last time.  
  
Yixing’s hand is hovering over the play button again; contemplating on doing another round just to check if his form’s okay. From the floor, Yifan can see Joonmyun place his hand on Yixing’s shoulder, whispering something in his ear. The younger of the two drops his hand and they leave together wordlessly, leaving Yifan in the empty practice room.  
  
He stays on the floor for a little while, sweat cooling and muscles relaxing. Dance practice has always been hard for him; he just wasn’t talented enough for it to fly by him. He wasn’t Jongin or Sehun who were born to dance the way they did. He wasn’t Chanyeol who loved to rap and did it so well while Yifan had to watch him excel at every rap practice they had. He wasn’t Yixing who was good at pretty much everything. He’s just Yifan, and he’s good at being there simply to be there.  
  
He hears the door open again and his head lifts up to meet Joonmyun’s eyes. The younger is smiling at him softly. Joonmyun offers Yifan his hand. “Let’s go?”  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
Joonmyun chuckles. “I know you stay here to practice a little more. You suck at dancing, I suck at dancing; let’s suck at this together.”  
  
Yifan smiles at him, taking his hand and standing up. They play the song again, and true enough, they both stumble over most of the moves. Yifan ends up hitting Joonmyun’s head with his long arm and Joonmyun goes off beat so Yifan gets lost and they both collapse on the floor, laughing at their own struggles.  
  
“Alright, I give up.” Yifan presses stop on the music player and laughs when Joonmyun collapses for the second time that night. “Samgyetang?”  
  
“As long as you pay for it,” Joonmyun says as sweetly as possible. Yifan rolls his eyes and leaves the room to change his shirt. When he comes back, Joonmyun is ready to go.  
  
  
  
  
  
“It’s you two again. It’s a little late, but do you want your usual order?” The old lady in the stall looked like she was about to pack up, but after seeing her two regular customers, she smiled and put back the chairs and tables. Joonmyun nods and helps her set up again.  
  
They sit together and wait for their soup. It’s always been so easy with Joonmyun; so easy to talk about anything, so easy to practice and not be embarrassed about how bad he was (because Joonmyun was pretty bad too), so easy to just let go and forget that he’s in a cutthroat world and he should be working harder than everyone else because he isn’t exactly a prodigy of anything other than being good-looking.  
  
Joonmyun seems to be calm about everything. He’s been in SM a year longer than Yifan, but he seems to not worry so much. there’s a line in his head, a definite path that he will follow no matter what tries to push him off his path. he was going to train for no matter how long, then he’ll debut and he’ll be successful, and then he’ll be happy and find someone who makes him happy, then the group will disband and he can start his family and be happy. the life he wants is so simple, simplicity that was drilled in him since he was just a little boy.  
  
“Don’t you ever want more?” Yifan asks out of impulse. Joonmyun puts down his bowl and wipes his mouth with a napkin. He’s smiling (he’s always smiling), and Yifan doesn’t know if he should be annoyed or jealous.  
  
“More soup?” Yifan sighs in exasperation. “Yeah I do, but I don’t know if—“  
  
“I meant more in life. Don’t you ever want more than just a simple life?”  
  
Joonmyun smiles again, but this time there’s a hint of something bittersweet in it. “I’m simple, but I’m also human. Of course I want something more than just a simple life. but simple is realistic, and I’d rather dream of the things I can have instead of the stars that are just too far away.”  
  
“But why not dream of the stars? Do you think the men who went to the moon could have gone up there if they didn’t dream about it?” Yifan pushes the issue because this is what Joonmyun always says. His thoughts are straightforward and simple and Yifan wants him to want more, to dream of the impossible and to dream of things that he could only get once, to dream of ‘once in a lifetime’ and ‘happily ever after.’  
  
“I only want one thing in life and that is to be happy.” Yifan is speechless.  
  
“I have no plan as to how to reach that happiness. Hell, happiness can last for a second then disappear in the next. My only dream is to find something that will make me happy forever. Happiness is my star, Yifan. Happiness is the moon that I will stand on and the insanity that is my belief.”  
  
They finish their soup in silence; thick silence composed of everything they’ve just let out. Joonmyun doesn’t ask Yifan about his star because he knows that Yifan is different from him; Yifan doesn’t know what he wants. He knows what he has, he knows what we will have, but he doesn’t know what he wants to have. Joonmyun may want simple things that might not be important to others, but he’s sure of it and he’s sure that his desires can meet his needs. The knowledge that his life will not go astray helps him sleep at night and wake up every morning. He does not want more than what he knows he can have.  
  
“I’m heading home,” Joonmyun says as he slings his bag around his shoulders and smiles at Yifan. The older of the two nods and heads to his dorm room.  
  
Yifan doesn’t think too much about their conversation, about him underestimating Joonmyun and thinking that he’s too perfect to want. Joonmyun is perfect, perfect at being average like Yifan, and they’re in the same boat of uncertainty. The younger male may seem confident about his future, so confident that he isn’t even considering the possibility of not debuting, but the possibility is still there.  
  
Yifan wishes he knew what he wanted. Yifan wishes that he’ll understand himself the way Joonmyun understands himself.  
  
  
  
  
  
“You’re different.”  
  
Chanyeol’s words ring in Yifan’s ear. What was different? Was Yifan changing somehow? Was there something he was doing that alarmed Chanyeol so much that he actually told Yifan about it?  
  
“Different how?” Yifan puts down the lyrics sheet in front of him while their rap instructor isn’t there yet. There are a few other trainees waiting with them, most of them newly recruited and hoping that rapping would be the talent that gets them to debut. Yifan’s given up on rapping as his main talent, but he keeps on training because it’s not bad to at least be mediocre in every skill they could train on.  
  
“I don’t know. you’re working harder, I guess?” Yifan stares at him incredulously. “Hey, if you’re uncomfortable with compliments, I can always just say you suck and tell you to quit before you embarrass yourself any further.”  
  
He smacks Chanyeol at the back of his head and smiles. Sometimes he wonders why the snickering giant beside him is even his friend.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Do you plan these things?” Yifan says when he sees Joonmyun waiting at the lobby, presumably for him. He checks his wallet and luckily, there’s enough money for lunch together.  
  
“I don’t, but you seem to enjoy paying for my meals so I let you.” Joonmyun’s smile is sickly sweet and Yifan wants to hit him for being so amazingly persuasive. he complains, but Yifan always ends up treating him to lunch or dinner or midnight snacks or anything that Joonmyun wanted.  
  
“Let’s go somewhere different today.”  
  
They end up in a quaint cafe, eating breakfast for lunch and sipping coffee and pretending to read the newspaper when all they’re actually doing is playing games in their phones and texting each other annoying emoticons. Yifan starts sending him cute pictures of animals working together and Joonmyun retaliates by sending him pictures of dead animals and the younger of the two could only laugh as Yifan closed his phone with a disturbed expression. It’s incredibly immature and silly, and they should really be back in training in half an hour.  
  
With one last dead seagull, Joonmyun stands up and pays for the meal. Yifan is about to protest until he remembers that Joonmyun rarely ever pays for what they eat and this is a very rare occasion that he should cherish greatly. They walk quietly out of the café and start their journey back to the building.  
  
“When you’re legal, you’re paying for all of our meals,” Yifan says with conviction. Joonmyun chuckles and shrugs. “I’m not even legal but I’m already paying for everything, so you owe me.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter.” Joonmyun is still laughing, genuinely surprised that Yifan cares about paying. “As long as you pay for everything on my birthday.”  
  
“I will if you do the same on mine,” Yifan promises. Joonmyun lifts his pinky up and Yifan’s face is a mixture of hesitation and incredulity. “Aren’t we a little too old for that?”  
  
“It works though. No one ever breaks a promise with me.”  
  
Yifan bites his lip before slowly linking their fingers together. “You are a child, kim Joonmyun.”  
  
“You are too old for me, Wu Yifan.”  
  
The older male gives him a quick side hug before walking into the practice room.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Happy birthday!”  
  
A practice room is filled with all of Yifan’s closest trainee friends, and there’ s a cake in the middle of the room. His eyes are still adjusting to the surprise ambush, but he smiles widely and tries to say thank you while everyone’s still cheering and throwing (literally throwing) their gifts at him.  
  
“Alright, fun’s over. You can eat the cake after practice.” The trainees all groan at their instructor and they help each other put it somewhere outside the room so that none of them would be tempted to jump out of formation and eat the cake before anyone can get their hands on it.  
  
They all end up eating the cake together, making sure not to make a huge mess of the room. Yifan opens his gifts and finds out that they’re all made out of crumpled paper; Chanyeol’s idea of a good birthday prank. He doesn’t actually get any gifts from any of the people in the room and he isn’t even disappointed, just very amused.  
  
Soon everyone leaves him in the room, alone with the last two slices of cake. He takes one and eats a little of it before looking up when he realizes that someone else is still with him. Joonmyun sits down beside him and takes the last slice.  
  
“I bought that,” Joonmyun blurts out. Yifan looks at him with curiosity in his eyes. “I meant that I bought the cake. I did say I would spend for everything on your birthday, right?”  
  
Yifan smiles at him, remembering the promise they made to each other. “Alright, you did your part. When it’s your birthday, I’ll do mine.”  
  
Joonmyun is too busy eating to even look at him. “I’m sorry, but I made a really good choice with this flavor. You should do better on mine. also, I want to have lunch, not just a cake.”  
  
“Thanks for the expectations. I really appreciate it,” Yifan deadpans. Joonmyun laughs, eyes crinkling and vanishing into little slits.  
  
They clean up the practice room, throwing out all of Chanyeol’s little paper gifts and the paper plates and forks that nobody threw away. They look at the sound system, at each other, then the sound system again. they practice for a little bit longer, trying to familiarize themselves with the dance steps that were growing more and more complicated as time passed.  
  
A little bit longer ends up as an hour and a half and they’re on the floor again, too tired to get up. Yifan slowly reaches up and grabs hold of something stable enough to pull him up. Joonmyun’s heavier than he looks especially when he’s tired, but Yifan manages to lift him up.  
  
They’re too tired for anything, even samgyetang. Joonmyun walks with Yifan to his dorm room. He doesn’t go in, just there to make sure that Yifan doesn’t pass out while going there.  
  
“Joonmyun,” Yifan calls out. The younger turns back to him. Yifan is left standing there, unsure of what to say. He doesn’t know if he should say “thank you” because he already did that or “It was fun” because that’s something that Joonmyun already knows. Yifan always has fun with him.  
  
His hesitation is ended when he feels arm wrap around him in a tight hug. Joonmyun buries his head in Yifan’s neck. “Happy birthday,” Joonmyun quietly whispers. Yifan hugs him back and they stay in that tight embrace for a little while longer.  
  
A little while longer is much shorter than what Yifan expected and Joonmyun pulls away, face a bright pink. “Good night,” Joonmyun says nervously before walking away quickly.  
  
Yifan’s dropping his jeans in the basket when he realizes that there was a piece of paper slipped into his pockets. The paper is pretty thick and he guesses that it’s a letter from someone, most likely Joonmyun. He opens it and instead of a letter, he gets a grocery list and everything Joonmyun wants on his birthday.  
  
Yifan smiles. He wishes that Joonmyun won’t change as he blows out the candles to the cake he bought for himself.  
  
  
  
  
  
Joonmyun lights a sparkler, grinning when it started lighting up. He lifts it a little more and stares in awe as the sparks trail after the stick he’s holding. He loves sparklers and new year has always been one of his favorite celebrations because of the fireworks and the endless food. He puts out the sparkler and goes back inside the house.  
  
His phone is ringing and he picks it up, curious as to who’s calling during a holiday like this. “hello?” Joonmyun says loudly. The countdown on the tv is on its last minute, and his family’s holding hands to prepare for the big new year jump they do every year.  
  
“ _Joonmyun_.” Yifan’s deep voice startles him and he almost drops his phone.  
  
“Yifan? Why are you calling me on new year’s eve?” he’s not annoyed, maybe a little pleasantly surprised.  
  
“ _My family’s in canada. I’m bored_ ,” Yifan says from the other end of the phone. Joonmyun doesn’t know what it feels like to celebrate a holiday without his family. They’re so close that nothing happens without everyone else finding out about it. He loves his family; he loves always being able to count on them to be there for him and to support him in everything he does.  
  
“That’s rough.” Joonmyun notices the clock and it’s in its last thirty seconds. “Hey, the new year is almost here. are you going to jump?”  
  
“ _I’m pretty sure I don’t need to grow any taller, Joonmyun._ ” He could almost see the smirk on Yifan’s face. Joonmyun rolls his eyes.  
  
“Whatever. I’m going to jump. I’ll just call you after the screaming stops, okay?” he’s about to hang up before Yifan starts talking again.  
  
“ _Wait! I’ll jump with you. Just don’t hang up._ ” Joonmyun doesn’t know why he’s acting like this, but he assumes that it’s the loneliness from being away from his family. Yifan hasn’t gone home in a while, and Joonmyun could only imagine how hard it is living alone, far away from the people that mattered the most to him.  
  
Joonmyun’s niece holds on to his other hand and he smiles at her. “Alright, I’m staying. get ready.  
  
_5…  
  
4…  
  
3…  
  
2…  
  
1…_

  
  


 

 

_2009;_

  
  


“Happy new year!”  
  
The screams and cheers are loud and Yifan almost drops his phone when all of Joonmyun’s relatives are screaming greetings to each other. He can faintly hear Joonmyun’s laugh and the cute little giggles of his nieces piling on him.  
  
“ _Stop, please! You’re tickling me ahahaha---_ ” Joonmyun’s voice is getting really high pitched and Yifan is laughing on his end of the receiver too.  
  
“ _Don’t laugh at me, Wu Yifan! You’ve probably never experienced having so many cute nieces annoying you and taking up all of your time with their adorableness, haven’t you?_ ” The chorus of giggles in the background make Yifan smile. Joonmyun really is close with his family.  
  
“No, I have not experienced your pain, and I’m perfectly fine with that,” Yifan says matter-of-factly. The noise on the other end gets weaker and weaker until he hears a door close and Joonmyun’s alone.  
  
“ _So why did you call me?_ ”  
  
Yifan plays with the hem of his shirt. He doesn’t know what to say to Joonmyun. “I don’t know.” Honesty is always the best policy. “If I bothered you, you can just hang up and we can talk after the holidays.”  
  
There’s silence on Joonmyun’s side. “ _it’s okay. I want to talk to you._ ”  
  
  
  
  
  
Yifan lets Joonmyun stay over the weekend in his dorm room. The younger boy looks frazzled, school bag heavy with clothes and books and papers that Yifan can’t understand. He hands Joonmyun a glass of water and frowns when he gulps it all down and goes straight to his schoolwork.  
  
“Sorry if this weekend is going to be boring. There’s a festival that’s going to happen in our school and I was assigned to talk to our usual sponsors and see if they’re willing to participate in this new event,” Joonmyun apologizes as he pulls out a few papers and his cellphone.  
  
Yifan frowns before pulling Joonmyun up from his couch. “Get changed into something more comfortable while I make coffee. Lots of sugar and cream, right?”  
  
“And not too hot,” Joonmyun says with a smile. “Thank you, Yifan. you don’t know how much this means to me.”  
  
Joonmyun comes out from the bathroom to see Yifan placing a cup on the coffee table, far from Joonmyun’s papers. He takes a seat on the couch and steels himself for the talking that he’ll have to do.  
  
“You know, it’s three-thirty in the afternoon. I don’t really need coffee.” Joonmyun takes a sip anyway, loving how Yifan knew how to make his coffee perfectly. Yifan shrugs.  
  
“You’ll need it. Trust me.”  
  
By six-forty-five, Joonmyun’s done with almost half of the list. He still has a lot more to go, and knowing the chairman’s expectations, he’ll have to start looking for new sponsors as well. He’s also in charge of discussing how to spread the word out with the promotion team. There’s so much he has to do, and the festival’s expected to be held in a month.  
  
“Relax,” Yifan says soothingly, massaging Joonmyun’s tense muscles. “You still have two more days to deal with the rest of the list. If you start at noon tomorrow, You’ll be done with that list before evening strikes. I know you have a lot to do, but this also a weekend and you should really get some rest.”  
  
Joonmyun leans into his touch, enjoying the feel of Yifan’s large hands pressing at the knots in his tense shoulders. Usually it would be Joonmyun doing this to him after dance practice whenever they have the time. The role reversal makes Joonmyun smile.  
  
“Alright, I get it. So what do we do now?”  
  
They buy takeout from a chinese restaurant right across Yifan’s building. They sit on the floor of the living room, watching drama reruns and flinging grains of rice at each other whenever the main character says something overly cheesy or foreshadows a huge plot point without even knowing it.  
  
“These people are so dumb. It’s obvious she’s not going to die. She’s the main character! Main characters don’t die!” Yifan yells out at the main guy who was crying over her hospital bed.  
  
“Excuse me? have you ever watched ‘ _Autumn in my Heart_ ’? Joonseo and Eunseo? Are you seriously telling me that main characters never die when the  _two main characters died_?” The tears in Joonmyun’s eyes make Yifan laugh so hard that Joonmyun has to hit him hard just to shut him up.  
  
“I have watched countless dramas just to learn this language, Joonmyun. ‘ _Autumn in my Heart_ ’ was one of my favorites,” Yifan says with a fond memory of seeing Amber cry while they watched it together. If asked, she would deny that it ever happened, but the way her eyes became glassy would say otherwise.  
  
Joonmyun leans on Yifan’s shoulder, and as the male lead whispers an overly-emotional speech in his true love’s ear while the antagonist watches from outside the room, he slowly falls asleep in that position. Yifan is too comfortable to wake Joonmyun up. He places Joonmyun’s head on his lap and leans his head against the couch. Joonmyun stirs a little in his position and Yifan places his hand on his head, slowly running his hand through the soft brown hair. The younger of the two makes a contented sound and both of them fall asleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
After Joonmyun is done with his list of sponsors, Yifan calls Chanyeol up, bribing him with food and video games. Chanyeol comes half an hour later, bringing along Sehun and Jongin, both of them acting like they were forced to come before they dive into the pizza and chips that Joonmyun and Yifan bought.  
  
They spend the night stuffing their stomachs with food and soda until all of them are lying down in the living room, too full to even move. Sehun is hugging a soda bottle to his chest, Jongin’s shirt is dirty with crumbs and Yifan and Chanyeol are too busy playing something and dying again and again. Yifan unplugs the device in frustration and they’re left in silence.  
  
Jongin and Sehun say their goodbyes and leave as fast as possible. They stumble past things and almost knock down a table with how unstable their feet were. Joonmyun has to guide them to the elevator before they decide that holding onto each other and hoping that they won’t collapse will help.  
  
From outside the door, Joonmyun can already hear Chanyeol’s and Yifan’s low voices in deep conversation. He enters and sits down on the couch beside them. Chanyeol is talking about debuting, his favorite topic recently. His voice is quiet but there’s so much bubbling excitement in it, so much enthusiasm for an uncertain variable that could or could not happen.  
  
“I know I’m young and I’m probably not ready for the real challenge of it, but I’m so excited. Debuting as an idol is such a far-fetched dream for most people, and I guess that’s why it became mine. I want to exceed everyone’s expectations, I want to achieve everything that they only talk about in tv. I want to be my own idol and I want to do so well.  
  
“Why did you two want to become idols? I mean, you would probably get a scholarship somewhere big and fancy and have a really nice life, Joonmyun. Why this? why not the safe life?”  
  
Yifan stares expectantly at Joonmyun. He knows Joonmyun’s past, he knows Joonmyun’s desired future, but he has never figured out Joonmyun’s drive, never understood what fuels Joonmyun to stay in the present.  
  
The younger male looks up wistfully. “I don’t want to be a lawyer.”  
  
“What?” Yifan isn’t impressed with his answer.  
  
“I don’t want to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or an engineer. I don’t want to have a stable job that will support my family; the one I have and the one that I will have. I want to enjoy life. I’m going to enjoy life, but I’m also going to have enough money so that I won’t ever have to worry about not enjoying. My path is simple and straightforward. My means to getting there may not be as easy as that.”  
  
Yifan is smiling to himself. Joonmyun’s answer was exactly what he wanted. He can feel a hand settle on top of his, linking their fingers together. He looks at Joonmyun and he’s smiling as well, not the typical gentle smile, but simply a smile. Yifan mirrors his expression and they hear a cough before they look away from each other.  
  
“I know how to read between the lines, you know,” Chanyeol mutters as Yifan walks down to the lobby with him. The older of the two pretends that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about before ushering Chanyeol away. He waves goodbye before going back up to his dorm room.  
  
Joonmyun is sound asleep on his couch, and the place is spotlessly clean. Yifan doesn’t know if Joonmyun knows how to do magic. He grabs a blanket and throws it over him. Yifan pats his head before retreating to his own room.  
  
  
  
  
  
It’s the last day of their weekend, and Joonmyun is cramming all of his unfinished schoolwork. Yifan pities him; he doesn’t have to deal with any of that anymore. He wants to help out, but Joonmyun is probably much smarter than him and he’s not ready to get embarrassed. He settles with bringing Joonmyun food and trying to be as quiet.  
  
Joonmyun finally finishes and he almost collapses out of pure exhaustion. “Samgyetang?” Yifan offers, and Joonmyun is instantly energized. He changes into nicer clothes and they go out, happy to finally be getting a break.  
  
The old lady welcomes them upon sight. “It’s you two again! I’ve saved you a table because I felt like you’d stop by tonight. Sit down, sit down.”  
  
Joonmyun’s fatigue is whisked away by the aroma of warm soup. Yifan smiles at the sparkle in his eyes, the determination to reach the end of the giant bowl. Their samgyetang meals are always lots of fun, especially when the old lady and her husband join them and they talk like one big family. The old couple treats them like their sons, the sons they’ve never had.  
  
“I really wish you two were our children. Think about it; we must be so good-looking that we have two handsome sons taking care of us!” The old man had drunk a little too much, but his wife indulges him and they laugh all through the night.  
  
When she finally decides that her husband is too wasted to be seen near two young boys, she closes the shop and says good night to her two “sons.” They smile brightly at her, bowing deeply before slowly walking back to Yifan’s dorm.  
  
Joonmyun packs his things up and cleans the messy living room he’s stayed in for the past two days. Yifan looks sadly at him, hesitant to let him go home. “Come on. I’m already past the time I was supposed to go back. I don’t want my parents to get any more mad at me.”  
  
“Fine.” before he leaves, Yifan gives him a hug and walks down to the lobby with him. They wait for the cab together and he waves goodbye even as he drove away.  
  
He collapses on his bed with a giddy feeling and warmth in his stomach. That was a good weekend.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Are you planning something special for Joonmyun’s birthday?”  
  
Yixing lowers the volume of the sound system. He’s staying late to practice and Yifan is too tired to stand up. He wishes that Joonmyun could be with him to drive Yixing away and allow them to practice in peace, but Joonmyun’s been sick ever since preparations for their school festival was finalized and he could take a long break. Yifan wants to visit him, but it suddenly comes to his mind that he doesn’t exactly know where Joonmyun lives.  
  
“Not really. I do plan on paying for everything he wants though,” Yifan says. He still has the list of everything Joonmyun wants for his birthday in his drawer. He knows he can get most of them, but the others (“ _ice sculpture_ ,” “ _confetti machine_ ” and “ _large chocolate fountains_ ,” namely) were a little out of reach. Yifan knows he’s not serious with most of them, but he at least wants to put effort into trying.  
  
“He wants a watch,” Yixing says coolly. Yifan perks up, clearly interested. “Nothing fancy or too big; preferably just a nice quality, brown leather watch. Joonmyun likes collecting watches, did you know that? He loves watching the hands move either completely in sync or completely apart. He thinks that every person is a watch; you can find people who are in sync with you and you can find people who aren’t. Sometimes your battery dies but it can always be replaced. Sometimes you need to reset yourself to find the right time and to be in harmony with the rest of the world and how it works.”  
  
Yifan is in awe of what Yixing just said. Joonmyun has always been a bit philosophical, but his analogy of watches is simply beautiful to Yifan’s ears.  
  
“Joonmyun says it better. Maybe you should ask him to tell it to you once you  _give him the watch_.” That’s a clear sign that Yifan should start looking for a watch soon. Yifan thanks him for the (direct) hint and leaves the practice room.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Happy birthday, son!” the old lady greets Joonmyun when she sees him passing by the stall. He bows deeply and smiles.  
  
“Thank you!” he waves before walking at Yifan’s pace again. The taller male is chuckling, excited for the day ahead of them. He didn’t plan anything special, but he’s hoping the entire day will be special for Joonmyun.  
  
The practice room erupts in cheers as they greet their good friend a happy birthday. Joonmyun actually gets a ton of real gifts, and even Chanyeol has something nice prepared for him. “I’m not allowed to be clever on your special day so I decided on actually getting you something.”  
  
“Thank you, Chanyeol. I appreciate the consideration.” Joonmyun laughs. he places all of the gifts at the side. he’s surprised when Yifan is sitting in front of him, holding out a cake.  
  
“you said you wanted lunch so we ate together. but I’ll never forget to buy you a cake.” Yifan lights the candle and places it in front of Joonmyun. “make a wish.”  
  
Joonmyun hesitates, pausing for a good five seconds, before blowing lightly at the flame. it doesn’t go out and he pauses again, trying to blow it away but failing. he stops one more time and as he blows it away, the flame cleanly goes out.  
  
“I guess I was wishing for the wrong things,” Joonmyun whispers to Yifan while they walk back to his dorm. Yifan doesn’t prod at him any further, not wanting to be nosy.  
  
They finally arrive at Yifan’s dorm. Joonmyun doesn’t go inside, standing outside the doorway as Yifan awkwardly stands on the other side. They don’t know what to do so they stand there and wait.  
  
Yifan prays for courage and he leans down and presses his lips softly against Joonmyun, relishing the contrast of his warm lips to Joonmyun’s cool ones. His hands find Joonmyun’s wrist and while the younger is still absorbed in the kiss, he puts on the watch that he bought for him. He hears a low whine from the back of Joonmyun’s throat and he pulls away.  
  
Joonmyun is speechless as he processes all that’s happened for the past few seconds. He looks down at his wrist and gasps when he sees the beautiful watch on it. “How’d you know I wanted this? How did you know that I wanted  _this exact watch?_ ”  
  
Yifan shrugs. “Lucky intuition, I guess. and besides, I thought it would look nice on you.”  
  
“Wow. thank you, I just…” Joonmyun trails off and he hugs Yifan instead, linking his arms around Yifan’s neck and burying his face against the crook of it. Yifan wraps his arms around his waist, enjoying how snugly they fit against each other. He can feel Joonmyun press a soft kiss against his neck before pulling away and trying to stabilize himself. Yifan holds on to his arms and they pause at the close contact.  
  
“Happy birthday, Joonmyun. Good night,” Yifan whispers before kissing him again and backing away before he would fall into temptation and pull him inside the room. Joonmyun waves goodbye and Yifan doesn’t want to see him out because he doesn’t want to let go of this night, of Joonmyun and his cool lips and warm touch, of Joonmyun and how he didn’t even resist Yifan for even a second.  
  
  
  
  
  
They don’t consider sneaking around in the middle of practices, kissing at empty practice rooms, leaving cute notes in each other’s clothes, spending a lot of time in each other’s dorm rooms and going on samgyetang dates more often a secret relationship. it’s not something they dwell on because they know that there is a honeymoon phase and they don’t want to break it yet, waiting for it to end by itself.  
  
Joonmyun’s new dorm room is close to Yifan’s and they bother each other a lot. Yifan spends a lot more time in Joonmyun’s place, and it isn’t even awkward when they find themselves sleeping in the same bed. there’s a certain level of comfort that they’ve reached, a level that overlooks personal space and expected public scrutiny.  
  
they’re under pressure, they know. they know that there will come a time that they’ll reveal themselves to everyone and they won’t be accepted as well as they want to. they know what the norm is. they know they’re breaking the norm, and they’re very well aware of how others react to people like them. no matter how happy they are, they’re both realistic people. they understand their situation, they know what they got into, and they know that their future will not be very bright if they don’t come out soon enough.  
  
Joonmyun rests his head on Yifan’s chest. the steady heartbeat calms him down and he falls asleep in Yifan’s arms.  
  
  
  
  
  
The first person to find out is Minseok. He catches them kissing after dance practice, alone in the empty room. Minseok doesn’t say anything, but they saw how he initially reacted. It’s not disgust they saw, just pure and utter shock. He walks away as fast as possible and they’re left standing there, praying that he won’t tell anyone else.  
  
Chanyeol finds one of Yifan’s shirts in Joonmyun’s room, and instantly he knows. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he storms up to Joonmyun, shoving the shirt at him. Joonmyun is left sitting on the couch, staring at the fabric on his lap. He fondly recalls cuddling and hiding under sheets and silence, pregnant pauses filled with so many words unsaid.  
  
“We weren’t planning on telling anyone,” Joonmyun mutters. Chanyeol sits down beside him, feet tapping impatiently on the floor. It’s his nervous habit, a telltale sign that he isn’t comfortable with this. He rests his hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder.  
  
"I'm just kind of uncomfortable with this. Just a little," Chanyeol confesses. Joonmyun understands. Joonmyun understands so much.  
  
Chanyeol pretends like nothing ever happened and Joonmyun is ever thankful for that. Yifan doesn’t know that Chanyeol knows anything. That’s why Joonmyun always trusts Chanyeol because no matter how goofy the guy is, he knows how to keep his mouth shut whenever necessary.  
  
The secret stays a secret forever, and no one else finds out.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Happy ‘you’re really old now’ day. I hope you enjoy your day,” Joonmyun says flatly. He and Yixing spent all night baking (and failing) while Chanyeol slept on his couch and woke up only to taste whatever flavor they tried to make.  
  
Yifan only laughs at their eye bags and takes a bite of the cake. “This is good. I like this.”  
  
Yixing hugs Joonmyun tightly. “We made it. He approves!”  
  
“It lacks a little sweetness though.” Yifan’s comment halts their happy time and Yixing stares at him with wide eyes. Joonmyun hands him the jar of sugar wordlessly and runs away before the mess starts. Yifan knows what he’s going to do and he closes his eyes and braces himself for whatever’s going to happen next.  
  
Yixing empties two cups worth of granulated sugar on the slice on Yifan’s plate, all with a bright smile. “Wish granted, birthday boy.”  
  
Joonmyun and Chanyeol are both too busy laughing at Yifan’s “fish-out-of-the-water” expression to help him clean up the mess on his coffee table. Yifan grumpily wiped away the sugar and threw out all of the crap Yixing put on his cake.  
  
“Not funny. also it’s my birthday, so you’re supposed to be nice to me.” Yifan crosses his arms and frowns.  
  
“I never made that promise,” Yixing says, patting Yifan on the back. “I need to get some sleep though. bye guys!” Joonmyun walks him out and when he enters the dorm, Chanyeol’s gone too.  
  
“He had to do something and ran away.” Yifan cleans up the table, leaving the rest of the cake on the table. He grabs two forks from the shelf and hands Joonmyun one of them. “Let’s eat?”  
  
They spend the night eating cake and watching reruns of dramas again, laughing at all of the dumb plotlines they’ve made fun of before. This time, there’s a blanket on their lap and a lot of pillows surrounding them. Joonmyun does end up falling asleep on Yifan’s shoulder and they fall into the usual pattern of leaning on each other at all times.

  
  


 

_2010;_

  
  


The cheers are just as loud as last year’s. Yifan sets the phone on loudspeaker so that he won’t have to deal with the full force of how loud it is. He can hear Joonmyun’s nieces jumping on him again, giggling and tickling their favorite uncle. Joonmyun is too nice to push them away and Yifan sits on the couch, listening to the laughing on Joonmyun’s side.  
  
“ _Alright, that’s enough. You girls are going to kill me before I turn twenty, I swear,_ ” Joonmyun mutters and Yifan can only hear it because of how close the phone is to Joonmyun’s mouth.  
  
He hears a door close and they’re alone again. “ _So how’s your family? How’s Canada again?_ ” Yifan smiles when Joonmyun remembers about his recent trip to his home. It was a big celebration in their house, and he really does miss his family a lot.  
  
“They’re good. They’re great actually.” Yifan plays with the hem of the shirt his father gave him. He can hear Joonmyun humming something on the other end.  
  
“ _That’s good to hear_.”  
  
  
  
  
  
Yifan observes the state of the practice room. everyone’s lying down on the floor, some spread like a star, some leaning on each other in hopes that they won’t pass out. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, the newest trainee, are leaning against the wall, sharing earphones while Chanyeol makes him listen to something new he discovered. Kyungsoo perks up when he recognizes whatever it is and they bond over their music as they leave the practice room filled with sweaty bodies. Yixing and Minseok drag the two youngest out of the room. They protest, saying they want to practice a little more, but Minseok bribes them with food and they shuffle out willingly.  
  
Yifan and Joonmyun are always the last ones left. There’s an understanding in their team that these two practice later every night, but tonight they’re just too tired for it and they change into their extra clothes, heading straight for the old lady’s stall.  
  
“You two look even more tired than usual,” the old man comments before signaling to his wife that their two favorite customers are here. He ushers them to sit down.  
  
The two boys lace their fingers together under the table. It’s an unconscious habit they have, something that they’re lucky that others haven’t caught on. Joonmyun leans his head on Yifan’s shoulder and closes his eyes.  
  
He’s roused by the smell of warm soup and smiles brightly when he sees the bowl in front of him. Yifan lets go of his fingers to start eating. they forget about their exhaustion, about the distant thought of debuting, about the hidden pressure on their shoulders because at the end of the day, they’re still Joonmyun and Yifan. they’re still two boys, two kind of best friends, two normal people who dream of reaching their stars.  
  
  
  
  
  
“You’re going to debut.”  
  
Those four words changed all of their lives. From simply being hopeful and dreaming about the life that they want, they’ve finally reached the point where those dreams could actually come true. Years and years of training are finally going to be recognized, and they won’t stay as the many faceless trainees of SM Entertainment.  
  
They’re going to  _be_  the faces of SM Entertainment.  
  
“We’re still working on the concept and all the small details, but we’re sure of a few things. There are going to be a lot of you, around the size of Super Junior. We’re thinking of a more direct approach to global appeal. We’ll split you and send one of the groups to China or possibly Japan.”  
  
Joonmyun looked around at everyone in the conference room. He could see Sehun and Jongin with their eyes sparkling. For two boys that were so young, they’ve achieved so much just by hearing this news. Minseok, Yixing, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are all listening intently to the company official. Yifan is beside him, smiling with a bright look in his eyes. Under the table, their fingers are linked discreetly.  
  
He thinks of this group, the group that will slowly evolve and become bigger and better. He thinks of debuting with them, of gaining success with them, of travelling all over the world with them, of being one with them. He doesn’t care if it’ll take them another five years to debut. As long as he knows that he’ll be with these people for the rest of the journey, he’ll be fine.  
  
When they’re left alone in the conference room, all of the tears explode. Kyungsoo is holding onto Chanyeol who was trying so hard not to cry, but at the sensation of his damp sleeve, he breaks down as well. Jongin and Sehun are scrambling for the phone, trying to hold back their sobbing.  
  
Joonmyun feels a squeeze on his hand and he looks up at Yifan, the latter smiling at him widely. They hug tightly, and Joonmyun allows himself to cry openly. The rest of them are calling their families and telling them of the good news.  
  
It’s one of the best days of their lives.  
  
  
  
  
  
Joonmyun’s twentieth birthday is one of the worst days of his life.  
  
They’re all celebrating in their favorite practice room when an executive enters the room with someone who looks suspiciously like a new trainee. They all stand up to bow at him.  
  
“Happy birthday, Joonmyun. Hopefully the news I have will be a sufficient gift for you,” the man says wryly. He tells the new guy to step forward. “This is Huang Zitao. He’s going to debut with you all.”  
  
“Hello,” Zitao says in accented Korean. Yifan approaches him and they talk in Mandarin and Yixing joins them.  
  
“And because your team has three Chinese members now, we’ve decided on sending one half of your group to China.”  
  
The words shock Joonmyun completely. If they were going to china, then that meant that Yifan would go to the half that would promote in china. They’d be separated by miles and miles of water. He feels like a bucket of cold water was just dropped on him and the realization that  _this_  is what debuting is like; sacrificing things that you love for what you’ve worked for.  _This_  is what five years of training will lead up to.  
  
Joonmyun doesn’t talk much for the rest of the day and everyone notices. Everyone knows that Yifan is his closest friend and being away from him would be so hard. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol go home with him, comforting him while he cries on the couch.  
  
“I know that you’ll really miss Yifan, but don’t forget that we’ll still be in one group. You’ll have your time with the other half when we promote together,” Kyungsoo comforts him with a hand on his shoulder.  
  
When Kyungsoo goes to the kitchen to get Joonmyun a glass of water, Chanyeol takes his place beside Joonmyun. “I’m sorry. No one really understands your situation and why you’re so heartbroken over this. I know about it but I can’t give any comfort to you. I’m sorry, Joonmyun.”  
  
The older of the two wipes his tears away and tries to smile. “It’s not your fault, Chanyeol. It’s not anybody’s fault except for ours. We should have stopped ourselves right from the beginning. We shouldn’t have formed a relationship knowing our conditions and what we want in the future. it’s all our fault.”  
  
“you couldn’t have stopped yourself. i’ve seen how you two were even before you got into a relationship. you’re true friends, I can see that.”  
  
Joonmyun’s mind lingers on the date. It’s his birthday, and it’s also the day they first kissed. It’s strange to think that it’s only been a year since they’ve confessed when it feels like a century since they started being truly happy.  
  
“Is this the end of the honeymoon phase? Or is it the end of it all?”  
  
Chanyeol shakes his head. “The answer to that isn’t with me. It’s all up to you.”  
  
  
  
  
  
The movie is long over and even the credits are done rolling, but Joonmyun and Yifan are still on the couch, staring at the TV screen. Yifan’s hand is wrapped possessively around Joonmyun’s wrist, right above the watch he gave him. He made a good choice; it looks good against Joonmyun’s pale skin.  
  
“Don’t you think we should talk about it?” Joonmyun sighs when Yifan finally says it. A part of him does want to talk, to finally discuss what they’re going to do now that they will debut.  
  
“W don’t need to talk about anything,” Joonmyun evades the question and he stands up, walking towards the bedroom. “Let’s just go to sleep. Please.”  
  
Yifan hesitates because he knows this is escaping from the situation, the situation which is so real now. He stands up anyway, hugging Joonmyun and pressing a kiss against his forehead. The time will come when the time comes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They sit in the uncomfortable chairs of the conference room, not as Yifan and Joonmyun, but as Kris and Suho. Kris and Suho, the two leaders of SM’s upcoming boy group. The feeling of being given the task is so bittersweet that neither of them know if they’re really happy about it.  
  
“Congratulations again. We know both of you will do well as leaders,” the executive in charge of developing new groups is a kind man and he shakes both of their hands. They smile politely and thank them for the opportunity to show the world that all those years of training were worth it.  
  
Their dinner with the rest of the group is silent and awkward, and even Chanyeol can’t lighten up the mood. They don’t know what’s wrong, but Yifan and Joonmyun are on either side of the table, eyes glued to the food that they aren’t even eating. They pick at it, attempting to take a few bites but their hand stops in the middle of the air and they put their utensils back down.  
  
Nobody’s in a good mood when they all go home, especially the two leaders.  
  
  
  
  
  
Their first real fight happens after dance practice when there’s no one else in the room.  
  
It’s clear that the team isn’t working well together, with Sehun and Minseok falling out of the beat and Yixing suddenly forgetting the moves he tries to perfect everyday. They go home with discomfort in their stomachs and dissatisfaction towards their progress.  
  
To be honest, Yifan doesn’t know what he’s saying while Joonmyun shouts at him. It’s all just a big blur of “ _you’re not working hard enough_ ” and “ _are you really a leader_ ” and other words that hurt too much to think about. They don’t dare to break the silence when the worst of the shouting is over, and Joonmyun just takes his things and leaves.  
  
Yifan leans back against the cool surface of the wall mirror. He wants to hug Joonmyun, to tell him it’ll be alright for them. He knows that’s why Joonmyun’s snapping at him all of a sudden; he knows that the bad practice session and the awkward atmosphere isn’t the reason why they’re fighting. He knows it’s about their impending separation, about the pressure that they used to ignore suddenly getting heavier and heavier on their shoulders.  
  
He leaves Joonmyun a message on his voice mail apologizing for everything, hoping that he’ll forgive him and telling Joonmyun that all he really wants is what’s best for everyone. He puts an emphasis on “ _everyone_ ” because they’re not the only two people in the world and now that they’re the leaders, they have a bigger burden to bear than what they had before.  
  
  
  
  
  
They don’t go out often together. They don’t spend nights at each other’s place. They don’t sit in silence or talk about the stars that they aim for and the moon that they want to stand on.  
  
They still kiss each other goodbye on good days and hug whenever they’re not too tired and cranky, but it’s just not the same.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yifan is about to throw the board where the cake was presented in before he feels a piece of paper under it. Curious, he takes off the paper taped under the board and opens it.  
  
His birthday party was a little more quiet than the past years and everyone decided on celebrating it in Yifan’s dorm room. They all brought food and Kyungsoo even cooked for him and Joonmyun bought the cake. He apologized because it wasn’t as special as last year’s cake, but explained that Yixing refused to bake another cake with him.  
  
He opens the folded paper and smiles when he sees that it’s a letter from Joonmyun. It’s not very long, but Joonmyun writes exactly the way he talks; with simple words that make a beautiful picture when you step back and look at it from afar.  
  
He talks about the years of knowing Yifan, of being there as they both grew (“ _though not nearly as much as you because I still don’t understand how someone can grow as tall as that_ ”). He talks about dreaming with him, about realizing his wants and his needs with Yifan. He talks about their past and everything encompassed in it.  
  
Then he talks about their future, and Yifan can feel his emotions start to rise up. Joonmyun talks about their future so positively, like he’s trying to make it sound better. He talks about it like they’re not having problems with their present. He talks about it like they’ve never fought about it before and that everything is fine when it’s not.  
  
The letter ends with Joonmyun telling Yifan that “ _it’ll always just be us._ ”

  
  


 

_2011;_

  
  


They always spend the new year on the phone together, and nothing stops them from doing the same this year. Joonmyun’s nieces are all out of the country with their families and Yifan finds that he misses the squealing and the giggling on the other end of the phone.  
  
“ _Yifan,_ ” Joonmyun says when it’s well past two in the morning and they’re still on the phone talking to each other.  
  
“Yeah?” Yifan’s voice is getting deeper, a sign that he’s about to fall asleep.  
  
“ _Promise me that this won’t change between us, that you’ll always call me every new year’s eve and we’ll always jump together through the phone._ ”  
  
Yifan smiles softly at Joonmyun’s sleepy voice. He would never stop calling Joonmyun during occasions that they’re apart. He remembers that they’ll be apart more often than not when they debut, and the thought makes his heart hurt.  
  
“I promise, Joonmyun.”  
  
  
  
  
  
Right after they arrive at the practice room, there’s already someone waiting for them. The team is confused, and Yixing tries to speak to him in chinese. The young guy is lively and they spend a long time talking and talking.  
  
“I’m Luhan, by the way. I was assigned to be part of your team.” He smiles brightly at everyone. his korean is smooth and just a little accented but he seems fluent.  
  
Luhan is the savior of their team. Luhan is the one who pushes away the awkwardness with his pleasant attitude and bright smiles. The second eldest in their group is the sole reason why Joonmyun and Yifan haven’t given up on being leaders and ran away yet.  
  
Joonmyun knows he’ll miss so many things when they finally have to debut.  
  
  
  
  
  
Joonmyun has never doubted his ability to survive in the idol world until he realizes that he isn’t nearly as talented as the others. He can’t dance like Yixing, rap like Chanyeol, sing like Kyungsoo or exist and make people happy like Luhan. He isn’t incredibly funny or gorgeous and he really just cannot dance.  
  
The insecurities start popping up in his thought process when another member is added to their group. Kim Jongdae’s voice is amazing and it puts Joonmyun’s voice to shame.  
  
Joonmyun finds himself staring at the mirror often, asking himself why he’s here, why he deserves to debut when his talent is subpar and he isn’t nearly as good-looking as Jongin (or “Kai,” as he has to be called from now on). He wonders why he’s the leader when he can barely even deal with his own personal problems and insecurities.  
  
The harsh criticism he gives himself occupy his mind all day and all night, and he loses his interest in everything. There’s no point in practicing if he’ll never really be as good as the best. There’s no point in caring if there will always be someone better than him, someone who can outshine him by simply being good while he puts all his effort and his full one hundred percent.  
  
The words crawl in and out of his skin, making him want to do better but do nothing at all. He loses a lot of weight and sleeps more and eats less and he finds himself in a state of permanent emptiness. Joonmyun stays quiet whenever people ask him if something’s wrong because there’s nothing wrong, except for himself.  
  
“ _Joonmyun, let me in. Please,_ ” Yifan’s deep voice rings past the door. Joonmyun is in bed but he can still hear him. He can hear the pleading in his voice, how it cracks a little at the end. He stands up and opens the door.  
  
When Yifan sees him, he’s completely surprised. Joonmyun looks sick and tired and nothing like how he used to be. Yifan takes him in his arms and holds him tight.  
  
“Joonmyun, let me in your life again. Please.”  
  
  
  
  
  
When Baekhyun joins the group, that’s when Joonmyun and Yifan really start feeling the pressure of being leaders. He’s the last member to be added, and it means that they’ll finally be split into two.  
  
Clearly, their chinese members are going to china. Sehun waves goodbye to Luhan as the older male walks to the other side of the room. Minseok and Jongdae are called to stand on the other side, and they prepare their farewells to the land that they came from.  
  
The big split is hard to deal with, and it’s hard to adjust to being six instead of twelve. Suho and Kris do well as leaders, and everyone else performs their parts well. Joonmyun starts to think that this’ll work, that everything will be fine in the end.  
  
At the end of their first practice as two groups, Joonmyun and Yifan are on either ends of the room, leaning on the wall and staring at each other. Everyone’s left the room and they’re still there, staring and waiting for the other to talk first.  
  
“It’s really happening, isn’t it?” Yifan asks, taking a long sip from his water bottle. Joonmyun wipes the sweat away from his face.  
  
“It’s going to happen soon, Yifan. We’re going to debut.” his voice is hushed in awe. They’re so close to it now, so much closer than they’ve ever been before. Joonmyun’s looking up at the ceiling and he can see his star, the star of success and fame, so close to him. It’s like everything he’s dreamed about is right in his grasp and all he has to do is reach out towards it.  
  
“I still can’t believe it. i’ve been here for so many years and having sore muscles has never felt this good.” Joonmyun laughs and he can’t help but chuckle too. Joonmyun’s laugh makes his eyes vanish into slits and body shake. Yifan misses seeing him like that, just loose and relaxed.  
  
Joonmyun walks to his side of the room and tiptoes up to his height, kissing him softly on the lips. Yifan places one hand on his hip and the other on the side of Joonmyun’s neck, making the kiss deeper. Joonmyun sighs into it, melting into Yifan’s arms. they’re so familiar with each other by now, but no matter how perfect it all seems, they know they can’t keep doing this forever.  
  
Yifan pulls away first because he knows that they’re thinking on the same page. He loves seeing Joonmyun like this; like he’s been claimed by Yifan. He loves it, but he knows he won’t be able to see it again.  
  
“You understand?” Joonmyun whispers. Yifan nods and they step away from each other. They keep their eyes to floor or anywhere other than each other.  
  
Yifan wants to tell him something, something that they’ve never said to each other for the past two years that they’ve been together. He wants to say the words that they kept in their hearts and in their minds but never out in the open. He wants to confess everything that he really feels about Joonmyun but he’s never had the opportunity to do so.  
  
“Please don’t.” Joonmyun’s words stop him from doing anything. “Don’t say it. Don’t say something you know you’ll regret saying because it won’t change anything, Yifan. We will still be the leaders of this group and we will still debut and nothing will stop that now. We’ll still be in this situation and I’m telling you right now that saying that will make everything hurt more than it already does.  
  
“Even if we have all of these feelings for each other, we’re still going to hurt each other and maybe others. We can’t do this any longer, Yifan. It’s either we sacrifice our future for our own selfish desires or we sacrifice what we want for our future and the future of the people around us.”  
  
Yifan places his hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder, his final answer, and walks away.  
  
  
  
  
  
Joonmyun’s birthday is a big celebration because it’s the first time they’re going to spend it as one big, complete group. They all bring food and play music and give Joonmyun gifts while he sits on his couch and watches them all move in a big flurry around him.  
  
He thanks every member for giving him something and they all leave little by little. He opens all of them when they’re all gone, and he smiles brightly when he sees that all of them really do seem thoughtful.  
  
He hears a knock on the door and he stands up to open it. He’s surprised to see Yifan again, but this time he has a box with him. “It’s a little late, but I still want to give it to you.”  
  
The silence afterwards is so awkward, but Joonmyun tries his best to smile past it. “Thanks, Yifan.”  
  
Yifan turns to leave but before Joonmyun closes the door, he heard Yifan say, “ _I bought the cake for you._ ”  
  
Joonmyun is still wondering why Yifan never forgets about their dumb deals as he opens the big box. There’s a smaller box inside it and he rolls his eyes as he opens it again. He goes through two more boxes before he sees a box that isn’t wrapped anymore. He opens it and gasps at what he sees.  
  
It’s the watch that he’s been looking at for the past few weeks. He doesn’t know how Yifan found out because he doesn’t go with anyone when he visits that mall. The watch fits him perfectly and he notices a paper inside the box.  
  
“ _I hope that the resetting that you did will make you find your harmony in this world, but always know that I’ll always be here and I’m always going to want to be in sync with you.  
  
Happy birthday, Kim Joonmyun._ ”  
  
  
  
  
  
Yifan passes by the place of the old lady’s stall, only to find it empty. He asks their neighboring stalls where they old lady is and they all look away with a pained look in their eyes.  
  
“She passed away, son.” he gapes at them, refusing to believe what they said. The old lady who loved serving Joonmyun and him samgyetang, the one who treated them like her sons with her husband, the one who always welcomed them with a bright smile and a loud greeting was gone?  
  
“What happened to her husband then?”  
  
“We don’t know. He vanished right after the small wake.”  
  
Yifan walks away as fast as possible. He wants to tell Joonmyun, but he realizes that it’s probably an omen. Maybe he should just move on.  
  
  
  
  
  
They’re too busy practicing to celebrate Yifan’s birthday. Of course they have the usual cake and food that Kyungsoo cooked, but they can’t spend much time relaxing when they have a dance to learn and they’re going to release their first teaser in about a month.  
  
Yifan and Joonmyun stay late to clean up the mess in the practice room and everyone’s too exhausted to even offer to help out. There’s icing on the mirror and they both know they’ll be in big trouble for that.  
  
“Are you okay with chocolate cake every year or would you like to switch it up next time?” Joonmyun says as he scrubs futilely at the smear on the mirror.  
  
“I’d like caramel next year, please,” Yifan says from the other side of the room as he tries to stuff the paper plates into the small plastic bag they were given. “I can’t believe it’s my birthday and i’m still the one cleaning up.”  
  
“I would feel sorry for you, but I’m cleaning up too.” Joonmyun smiles at him and they stare at each other for a moment before going back to work.  
  
  
  
  
  
Joonmyun lights up the last sparkler and smiles brightly when the little sparks follow the trail of his stick. he’s so absorbed in it that he almost doesn’t notice the ringing of his phone. He finally picks it up right before it stops ringing.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“ _Joonmyun._ ” Yifan’s voice is deep and soothing to his ears. He’s surprised that he still calls him after all that’s happened between them, but he’s happy to hear Yifan’s voice. “ _Please don’t tell me that your nieces are here this year._ ”  
  
Joonmyun laughs. “They’re here, alright. But they’ve decided that nine is too old to pile on their poor old uncle and have vowed to tickle me only.”  
  
Yifan’s loud laugh startles him and he almost drops the phone. He goes back inside the house. The countdown is at its last two minutes and he takes his place beside his brother.  
  
“ _Joonmyun?_ ” Yifan talks slowly, like he’s still thinking of what he’s going to say.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
there’s another pregnant pause, and the clock’s ticking at its last thirty seconds. “ _It’ll always just be us, right?_ ” Joonmyun is left speechless and the last ten seconds of the year eats at his brain.  
  
_5…_  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
_4…_  
  
“It’ll always—“  
  
_3…_  
  
“Just be…”  
  
_2…_  
  
“Us.”  
  
_1…_

  


 

 

_2012;_

  


They’re in the middle of a huge stage, surrounded by hundreds of people. This is the first big award they’ve won and they’re so happy, so proud of themselves and all that they’ve achieved. Everyone’s jumping around on stage but Joonmyun only has his eyes on one person.  
  
He approaches Yifan, his best friend, his co-leader, his partner in everything, and he gives him a big hug right in front of everyone else. Yifan wraps his arms around Joonmyun as well, and Joonmyun smiles contentedly as he melts in yifan’s embrace. They’re surrounded by so many people and he knows that even more people than the ones around the stage will see, but they don’t care.  
  
_It’ll always just be us._

 

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on 25/08/2013 in [junfhongs @ lj](http://junfhongs.livejournal.com/3589.html)
> 
> follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/amenochieien)!!!


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